Jackie is Crazy

There is no question in my mind. She's off her rocker. She's gone over the edge. Mad as a Hatter. Lost her marbles.

You might say, she's past the point of safe return.

You see, she has fallen in love with something new. She claims that it's practically a match made in heaven and that there is nothing in the world that she wants more right now:

That's right. Z-Coil shoes.

I'm sure they are practical. I'm sure they are comfortable. But come on! They're glorified (if they can be called that) Mary Janes. Tired. Boring. Usual, albeit, with a spring.
First it was Crocs, then it was 'Gellin like Magellan' (which really isn't a rhyme, no matter what the story books say). I thank the stars that she never caught the ballerina slipper shoe movement, 'cause those are just wrong; they're not even cute, they're snub nosed hose slippers with little bows or bedazzled bits on them, sheesh.

If you really want to make a funky fashion statement and be more comfortable than your regular fare, Fivefingers are so much cooler:
These are awesome. Totally remind me of the socks I always wanted as a kid. Well, alright, I still want them.

It's not that I hate the shoes. I just think they're way too boring for her. I mean, she is crazy. Nothing helps a crazy person better than a little bit of boring and therefore, I may have to hide them from her for all time.

Update on Bander

He's not broken, anywhere. Sprained, bruised, and drugged out of his mind, but not broken.

'El Doggo' has gone around the block and sat in the grass for a while, so he's doing o.k., albeit he's slow and awkward. In fact, he snuck upstairs while I'm posting this and is lying down behind me right now.

I think he has a knife or a machete in his good paw.

I don't want to look and find out.

Pieceing all the information together, he climbed over the computer desk, chewed through a drawing board that was propped against the window, busted through the screen (that was the crashing noise everyone heard) walked to the corner of the roof, and jumped down.

He left his mark in the asphalt.

I need to put a sock or something over the bandage; a one block walk has begun to wear through already, which you can kinda see in the main pic.

Thank you, everyone, for your well wishing and kind words.

We'll keep you updated on his progress!

Crazy comes on four feet, too.

I am posting this quickly while I wait to hear from the emergency vet. I had some fun stuff planned for today, but I didn't get to it, because I've been entirely focused on Bander.

And here's what Bander did to distract me: while I was gone doing a massage, and while Jesse was at work, he jumped out a second floor bedroom window. I'm pretty sure he broke his right front leg. At the very least, he has some pretty heavy bruising and sprains.

The neighbors heard breaking glass, and ran out to see what the noise was. They called Jesse at work and told him what happened, and then took care of Bander until I could get home and drive him to the emergency animal hospital.

I was pacing too much, so they sent me home, but he's getting pain meds and xrays and a splint and all sorts of expensive things. I get to go pick him up in an hour or so.

What kind of crazy dog jumps out a second floor window? He had to get up over the top of the computer desk to do it, too. And he launched himself right through the screeen, and broke a couple of roof tiles. I know he landed on his feet because there are toenail divots in the asphalt.

This is not the kind of crazy I enjoy. Poor dog.

Crazy Discount of the Day

While I wait for more crazy stories in my inbox (HINT HINT HINT) I thought I’d run a quick sale for y’all. So here you go:

Buy anything, I don’t care how much, and as long as your order includes a lip balm, I’ll refund you for half the shipping on the entire order.

This is good from right this minute until 6pm Pacific time, on Sunday, June 14^th.

You can use this on either our Etsy Shop or our Main Shop, and you can combine it with other offers. To take advantage of this, you have to tell me in your notes to seller that you’re insane.

Once more – buy a lip balm (along with anything else you feel like), tell me you’re insane, and get a refund of half the shipping for the whole order.

PS – man, this makes me feel like this WingNut:

Last Will & Testament

Crazies Among Us, Entry Too

One of the employees at my Hubby's former workplace left the floor to take a bathroom break during a busy production run. An hour and a bit later, the foreman went looking for "Ben", thinking he was avoiding work like his usual lazy self.

The foreman knew he'd found Ben when he spotted a piece of toilet paper wiggling beneath the bathroom door.

As it happened, the door handle had broken, locking Ben in- his screams drowned out by machinery. Production stopped, and everyone gathered in front of the door. A mechanic ran to get a drill to remove the broken handle, but Ben sobbed uncontrollably, convinced he'd met his fate there in the employee loo.

The crew burst into laughter, as Ben passed under the door, one square at a time, his Last Will and Testament written on toilet paper.

A couple of hours later he emerged unscathed, but never lived down his TP will.

- - - - -

Speaking of Crazies and toilet paper...

From Joël Côté-Cright Photographs:

From Wedding Dresses Magazine:

The Human Garberator

Crazies Among Us, Entry One

My Hubby used to work at a food processing plant with a crazy guy who was known as the Human Garberator. It became a game of sorts for the staff to see what gross food offering "Bob" would stop at.

One coffee break, Bob sat down to have a bowl of cereal. One of the guys reached across the table and poured an ounce of blue industrial food dye #1 into Bob's bowl- enough of this potent pigment to dye an Olympic size pool. Ron looked at the inky milk, shrugged, and dug his spoon in.

Hours later, someone noticed Bob with blue sweat beads on his brow. When he returned from the mens' room, he happliy announced having other blue fluids in his system.

The next day, someone asked if he'd done a 'blue poo'- the answer was yes.

Panic set in two weeks later when there was no improvement. The workplace called the dye manufacturer to asked what a person should do in this instance, and the phone went dead before the agent asked nervously why anyone would have ingested this amount of Blue #1.

She suggested she suggested he'd be fine, and should drink plenty of water. Two months later, Bob returned to normal.

He's still alive, and eating gross crap.

Crazy Contest Rules

Okay, I've already heard from one person who has a lunatic story - and the rest of you are invited to play, too!

Here's how it will work: I'm gonna celebrate the reality-challenged all summer long. I will accept and anonymously post your stories. At the end of each month (June, July and August) I'll set up a poll and everyone will vote for their favorite. After Labor Day, I'll set up a poll for the three monthly winners, and let everyone vote for a grand prize.

Each monthly winner will get a free bar of soap, their choice of scent. The grand prize winner gets a gift set - one bar of soap, one salt bar, one body polish, one body butter or frosting, and a lip balm. To further celebrate the crazy, you can pick your scents, but you aren't allowed to make a matching set.

The more batshit the collection,
the happier I'll be to send it out.

Enter as often as you'd like. That's right! Send your stories to me via e-mail, to magichands at cox dot net. I look forward to giggling while I read.

Image courtesy of http://thegoldguys.blogspot.com/

If You're Crazy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

A lot of you know that I’m considering making some major changes in my life. The economy seems primed to cram changes down my throat, so I may as well catch that wave and surf it on in. One of the things that’s likely to change is my daytime employment.

I’ve know this was possible for months on end, and I’ve posted about layoffs here in the past, so I’ve had a lot of time to envision how this would all wind down and what the aftermath would be. Hell, I’ve even started cleaning out my desk – I’ve been here for eleven years, so I have a truly astonishing amount of personal crap that needs to be eliminated.

While you visualize walking out the door, leaving behind a spotless office, you naturally imagine your goodbyes. And there is one woman in particular that I cannot wait to say goodbye to. She’s a wackadoo of major proportions. A bad case of OCD, coupled with a severe mean streak and the tendency to cry if she doesn’t get her way. (Nic is laughing when she’s reading this, because she knows exactly who I mean.)

Years ago, I saw this woman threw a giant public screaming fit because the document copies that had been delivered to her had the corner staples at the wrong angle. Seriously. She cried, threw things, insisted that everyone was being mean to her on purpose, and told the entire office that we were lazy because we lacked her attention to detail. Apparently the copier puts the staples parallel to the top page edge, whereas our heroine the nutjob thinks they should be at a 45-degree angle. Then she started wailing like a five year old (complete with hiccups and snot bubbles) and ran away to the ladies’ room.

She does this crap ALL. THE. TIME.

I’ve tried to be sympathetic to her, because she’s very clearly troubled, but she’s so darn mean that it’s difficult. She keeps lists of imagined slights by people and distributes them regularly. It’s hard to say, “aw, poor thing” when HR is standing in your doorway with the latest list of what you did during the past year.

Her malicious insanity is legendary.

So, when I leave here, do I say something to her? Like, “You’ve been horrible, I hope I never see you again?”

No, too mean. I could say, “I beg of you, get help.” The problem, of course, is that she has no idea that she’s batshit crazy, and it seems too mean-spirited to tell her.

I am not by nature a mean person, so I’m sure when the moment arrives I’ll just sneak out the back door and not say anything.

Though I am giggling at the idea of spending my last week sneaking into her files and stapling every single document on all four sides.
PS – if you freak out and have crying fits in your workplace on a regular basis, you’re batshit crazy, too.

See, I’m not afraid to be mean in cyberspace!

Summertime and the Living is... ...Crazy!

I have a theme for the summer season:

Lemme ‘splain.

I was talking to Jesse about my summer blog, and a couple of entries I had in mind – there are some complete whackjobs in my office that deserve an entry, and a couple of personal stories of loonies I have known, if not loved.

Plus the spring fashion collections were just released, and Helena Bonham Carter is still roaming the streets free as a bird, so there are boatloads of things to discuss.

We agreed that there is way too much crazy roaming around the world at the moment for us to hog it all.

So, please, I beg of you, send me your crazy stories!

I’ll have to hide the names of the perps – crazies tend to be vindictive – but I want to post your tales. The best story will receive a gift from my shop – details to be worked out and announced shortly.

I’ll also be running periodic Batshit Crazy sales, with completely random discounts and time frames.

Now, I’m off to work on the first post, so you’ll see what I have in mind, and figure out a good giveaway.

But watch for more info soon!

Let the Sun Shine

This is usually one of my favorite times of year – we get a heavy marine layer here, so there’s a traditional overcast referred to as June Gloom. It expanded a bit in the past decade, so we got to add May Gray.

Now, I’m a big fan of humidity and I love, love, love the fog.

However.

This is flippin’ ridiculous.

As much as I like humid moments, there has been a constant drizzle going on at my house for a month. The sidewalks have been wet 24/7. And I have soap that needs to dry.

So, those of you with special orders who are wondering where your stuff is? It’s on my drying racks, not getting dry, dammit. I need to make more soap, but I can’t do it unless some of this stuff moves out of the way.

I am glaring at the clouds.

Do you think it will help?

June Gloomitude